california rest in peace

This is supposed to be good.

I'm supposed to be excited for this new adventure in my life, and this new direction that my life has been taking me lately.

But all I find myself is questioning.

I am so tired of being vulnerable, and opening up again and again just to have my heart ripped open. I'm so tired of not feeling valued by certain people, or cherished, or even just wanted. I want to be wanted again. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but lately all I have been feeling is distance. I get closer to people, I get shot away. I get excited about beginning new relationships, and I get a slap in the face. The bottom drops out over, and over again.

I'm trying to trust in Christ, and to depend on His strength. It seems like every time I search for anything strong on my own I come up empty handed, and maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn. But if I was called back to this area to be more spiritually awake... I feel more asleep than anything else. I feel more numb than anything else.

I know that the grass is always greener. That I might always want what I don't have.

But all I want right now, is someone to call. Someone that loves me.
Someone that will be psyched when they see that I'm on the other end of the line. And I don't have that... and I'm learning through that. But it doesn't take away how desperately I want that from someone. And I guess at some point I have to come to terms with the fact that... he might not ever want that, and that has to be okay.

I have to be okay, for now.

God, give me strength to get through today.

closing the door behind me

I’m not coming back.

I’m not entirely sure how to begin, but my heart has so much to say.Everything in my life is about to change. Change is exciting for me, at least this time. Yes, a lot of my comfort zone will be eliminated the minute I hop in my car to drive back to the place I wasn’t sure I would ever live again – the Palouse country. No, I don’t have a job yet. Nope, I have yet to make final decisions on where I will live. I have no idea if this year will be a valley or a mountaintop, but regardless, it will be exciting because I won’t be going it alone.

I was really upset at first when I felt like I was being called to go back to Moscow. Uncomfortable more than upset. Not because I dislike it there, but because I thought my plans were set in stone. While I’m a spontaneous person, I enjoy plans going my way. I was excited to go back to Azusa, and enjoy my programmed but very enjoyable life, walking down Barranca with the wind in my face and the California sun in my hair. Friends a parking lot away. Job security.

I’m starting to realize that this is the part of my spiritual walk that is the most difficult for me – faith. Unwavering, illogical faith that defies the conventions that the world tells me I need in order to function. John asked us in church last week “How big is your God?” Is He bigger than my plans? My obligations? Is His plan for me bigger than the plan I have for myself?

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.’ (Proverbs 3:5)

As I’m trying to find my way to a relationship with God that means something to me and that is real to me, as opposed to a faith with no heartfelt experience and a hand-me-down religion I inherit from parents or family… I’m realizing that I have so far to go. A lot of times I feel like I have it figured out (mostly), and that I have the answers… that I’m ready to take on the mission field and the world along with it.

I can be very wrong.

I have so many roads and paths in my life that I’m excited to pursue, and I know will get to at least some of them in my life. But one of my biggest shortcomings is my lack of satisfaction in the present. In today. In the place that God has put me here and now.

‘I can’t wait anymore, I’m ready to reach… so I’m closing the door behind me.’ –Bethany Dillon

words are cheap and come easy

There are a lot of days in my life that don't make sense, and others where suddenly everything that has been going wrong just makes sense. It isn't resolved, and you aren't necessarily any closer to fixing it. But you recognize the problem. And you recognize that the problem is in you, and is, in fact, You, and just having that clarity brings you hope.

I'm really great with words. No false humility here, but writing is a strength that I recognize, and I have it. The problem with that is sometimes I miss being genuine. Sometimes words come out with no meaning, or I say them because they come into my mind and flow in a beautiful way, so I feel like I should say it so I don't waste a perfectly-made sentence.

I sat down for dinner with my mom today and for over an hour she sat and told me that I was selfish, and that I needed to start seeing the patterns in my life that are turning me into a frighteningly accurate portrait of the person my Dad used to be. When I protested, she proceeded to give examples and actions that I show that prove that this is, in fact, true.

I am selfish. I prioritize based on what I feel like doing at the moment. I tend to use other people to fill voids instead of going out of my way to make sure their needs are met. I do good deeds because it makes me feel good inside, not just because they are the right things to do. Without meaning to, and without any consciousness of my doing this, I push people away. I make them feel like their opinions don't matter. I make excuses. I run. And that's just the surface.

I want so badly to be different. To not be known as the girl who makes excuses to ditch out on her friends and family. I'm not sure how I will get there, or if it will even be evident anytime soon that I am trying to change. But to those of you who have felt it I'm sorry. And I more than anyone else know that words are cheap and come easy.... so I'm letting you know that the action will follow and will be evident.

This is my life am I who I want to be?

empty apartments

The clouds are pouring in over the foothills of Azusa, and the sky is gray.

Matches my mood, if nothing else. Not black. Not sunny.I'm not sure even where to get started... describing this state my heart is in. Because it's not really a bad one, or a good one. It just is.I have this undying optimism for my future and for the things that I'm going to do in my lifetime. I am happy where I am. I love Azusa and I love the life I live here, feeling like a part of a community, and that I am giving things back. I adore California in general. I have loyal friends, and when I walk down the street, I see people I know. Some wave from behind their car windows as they go sailing by. It feels like home.

It's not that I feel like I need this at all, but it would just feel so much more comfortable and fun to have someone I could share it all with. Someone to walk with me. Someone to make me laugh. Someone to encourage me in who I am, and the things I'm going to be. But I've invested myself too many times in 'sure things'. I've lost my heart in too many battles, and it's been broken in too many ways. Some people have one or two stories of getting hurt by significant others. I have at least 8. And they aren't just breakups, they are deliberate, hurtful things.

So it's only natural, I suppose, that now when I feel like I'm 'home' around someone, for the first time in a long time, I feel more afraid than anything else. I feel very cliche. I open up a little, and I hold my breath. I constantly act silly, and I poke fun, not because those aren't parts of who I am, but so I can hide who the rest of me is for just a bit longer. Because that part is scary. It is raw and it is real. And to be honest, I'm not sure he's all that interested anyway. He's not. So what does it matter.I just wish I wasn't afraid. That's really the point.

Not just about relationships, or my lack of relationships, but about anything. I do have dreams, and I appear so confident about them sometimes. Like I know where I'm going. But the part that freaks me out is that I have no idea how I will get there. I'm afraid to put myself out there. I'm afraid of not investing myself more into the world. I'm afraid I'm not giving back enough.

I'm afraid and tired of being alone, but I'm not so naive as to think that being with someone would make me feel complete (don't worry, I know the whole 'if you aren't happy without them you won't be happy with them,' blah blah, save yourself the time, I don't want that lecture).I don't even know what I'm getting at. And I will be living in an empty apartment for two weeks.

The end.

Here's to the Nights

Summer has never seemed so cold.

As May approaches, bags are being packed. Plans are being made for next fall as the new season comes crashing in around us. Some faces won’t be back when September rolls around, and it’s hard to feel like this year is really this close to over. I know most people are just telling me not to worry about it, because fall will come, and with it will be new friendships and faces… new memories and certainly new Facebook albums (psh, of course). But every year is different, and while I know a lot of things will be the same, there will also be a million things changed.

I came to this place skeptical of what it could offer me. Still clinging to my past back home, I was slow to pursue a life here and slow to make attachments. I was quick to judge and hesitant to really get involved.

But over time, I noticed that few things can compare to walking down the street with the California sun on my face and some good tunes in my ear. To living vicariously through APU, and getting to know some amazing people in the process. To standing at the top of a mountain looking down on the valley with some of the people you love the most. To getting to know my beautiful sister in a totally new way. To the nights I would bring pie to Bowles on Waffle Wednesdays. To Richie’s juice party. To driving with the windows down, wind playing in your hair and face, looking out on the ocean. To driving down the PCH singing along with songs from the 90’s. To Ian’s playlists. To donut man runs at 1 am. To really living instead of just existing.

This year I feel like even though I made some mistakes, no one cared less about me because of it. It’s one of the first times in my life I felt like I was really accepted… not just for who I am, but for who I am supposed to be, and everything I’m going to be.

So thanks to all of you who made this year what it was. Because to me, it was everything I had wanted and more. I can’t wait for more memories, more laughter, more new friends and another new beginning.

Live it well.

Stolen Laundry and Spritual Switzerland

There are days when I just don't want to listen to what God has to say.

I don't just mean that I don't want to read the Bible. I mean that it's really hard for me sometimes to find the application that a 2,000 year old book can possibly have to my life, let alone how a God I can’t see could exist. As well as being passionately in love with me. What could a carpenter from Nazareth have in common with me?

Tonight my laundry got stolen. Not just one load, but two loads, and all of my favorite clothes and pants and undies now belong to somebody else. Which, besides being a little bit creepy, really didn’t make me feel very thrilled. I called my Mom. I cried. I made lame jokes about looking like white trash and wearing only sweatpants for the last month of school. But most of all, I just felt bad for myself, and began to reflect on my day.

I went to church today for the first time this semester, which was very refreshing, and the pastor talked to us about Paul. He was abandoned, imprisoned, contracted a disease, mocked, shipwrecked on a desert island, and on top of everything else bitten by a snake. “It would be nice to think we can go off someplace and find some ‘spiritual Switzerland’ without problems or hassles,” the pastor said. “But whether you love God, or you hate God, life is still hard.” We are all hurting in different ways, and sometimes in the midst of trying to get our pain noticed we forget that others are hurting deeper.

I’m complaining about having one pair of pants. Someone lost a loved one tonight. Someone is broken hearted. Someone is weeping.

I know that everyone interprets things and messages differently, but what I took away from what was said… is that it’s not all about me. It’s not. And it never will be. I may have to wash my clothes more to make up for missing underwear, but the world will still wake up tomorrow to a new day. I may be worrying about finances for my internship this summer, while forgetting that few have the opportunity to even dream of such things. I still get to come home at the end of the day to a warm apartment. A shower. A few dollars in my bank account. Friends and family that love me.

A life worth living isn’t measured by my fame or reputation. It is in the awareness that every day I will face decisions. I want to be able to look back and say that I did my best. That I was a good and faithful servant with the things that I was given.

I am selfish and I want my underwear back. I want things to go my way. But knowing that the plans God has for my life are bigger than even the plans I have for myself… makes the irritations and hassles of this world seem worthwhile again.

James 1:1"Consider it joy when you encounter trials of different kinds, knowing that when your faith is tested it produces endurance, and endurance will have its result – you will be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

The Best is Yet to Come

It was my first meaningful conversation in Spanish.

Sometimes I wonder why I work so hard at learning a language that I don’t have to learn, and I understand why most people choose not to. Sometimes I wonder if there is a reason why I am so passionate about this world, and languages, and other cultures. Then last night, finally, I found affirmation in the form of a busboy at work.

He’s a quiet guy, looks like he’s in his late 20’s or so, and we haven’t spoken much before, except for the occasional hello, and even then, only in Spanish.As I was cleaning tables last night, he walked by. “Como fue tu semana? (How was your week?)” I asked him as he picked up his broom and began to sweep under the tables. We started talking, and he looked a little more bummed out than usual, so I asked him if he was sad. He nodded, and for the next fifteen minutes we talked about where he was from in Mexico, and how he left his wife and little boy behind so he could come here to the United States and provide for them. He wakes up before the sun rises every morning, and gets home around midnight.

He doesn’t have days off. He doesn’t buy new things when he gets his paychecks. He sleeps in a small apartment with several other people he works with. I have many Mexican immigrant friends, and I know that most of them live in this same situation, so the story was nothing new, to me at least. But last night it struck me in a completely new way.

It just made me so excited for the day when I know God is going to bring an awesome man into my life, and it made me hopeful that I will find someone as true as my friend: that he would be willing to do anything to make sure I was provided for. I’m not saying I want the man I end up with to move far away in order to do that… but I thought ‘what a perfect picture of what a husband or wife should be like.’

Willing to sacrifice it all to take care of each other, ready to do whatever it takes to invest in the future, even if it means things being difficult for awhile. I’m sure he doesn’t get to talk to his wife and little boy every day, and I’m sure sometimes he wonders if when he gets back things will be the way he always imagined. But he has faith in what he cannot see.

We talked for a few minutes more, and I told him about where I was from, and some of the places I have been able to see in the world and what they were like. For the first time, words just came easily to me. Our manager walked by and told us we were lazy bums. We smiled, and as we both got back to work my new friend smiled at me and said (in Spanish) ‘Your Spanish is very good. Don’t give up on studying it.” And I walked away feeling more fulfilled and just… aware of the nature of things than I have in a very long time. Satified.

I am going somewhere. I am going to make a difference. I am passionately in love with finding ways to change the world from where I'm at. And someday, someone is going to fall head over heels in love with that part of my personality. Knowing this, coupled with the fact that I finally feel like I'm getting to a point in my Spanish where I can truly communicate... just made me feel butterflies all over.

Life is such a gift.