on intersections and blemishes

I’ve reached one of those points in life where everything you are living and breathing seems so beautiful and new, and everything you have left behind you seems so tragically detached from the person you are now. You walk toward better days with your head facing backwards trying to recapture all that has been. You take two steps forward but you always seem to be looking three steps behind you.

It seems I am sitting at this intersection in my life where all the different roads I have been down and all the different lives I have led have to come together somehow; they have to find a way to comfortably coexist in my history while somehow letting me move forward. There are some people who believe that when you turn your life around in a positive direction that you are supposed to somehow ignore all those raw and dirty places you have been; you have to whitewash them from your mind or they will sneak back in and destroy you. But I wrestle with that because I know that those mistakes and those blemishes help make me who I am; that those lessons I have taken with me have made me both stronger and wiser. I admit they were not all the brightest decisions and that I was designed for greater things… but I think it is foolish to think that those days in their entirety were useless or wasted.

Yes, they were convoluted and my heart oftentimes felt twisted; like a rag being rung out to dry. Yes, there was devastation and sleepless nights; brokenness and drama, but there was also beauty and love, passion and depth. There were conversations by candlelight and peace in the quiet moments. And as wrong as they were at times, I don’t want to forget.

Lately I have been struggling to reconcile these different pieces of me; to somehow figure out how they got there and what purpose they serve; to sort through the desires of my heart and why they exist and how I can cultivate all of them to make me a more beautiful and well-rounded person. But it’s rough, sometimes.

I have so much in my future, Lord willing, with a new job starting and getting ready to move in with two amazing girls. I have so much to reach for and to be excited about, and I am. But I don’t want to be a person that thinks it is essential to forget where you have been to fully be where you are.

God, help me wrap up all the pieces of my heart to be more present in the moment; to let go gracefully instead of clinging to a past I can’t change. Help me to appreciate the fallen times and the broken moments.

I just want to live deep and full.

on the joy of baby brothers

There are few things as beautiful, hilarious and fun as he is.

I give you my baby brother... :) He is a little over 4 months now.