Saturday, September 15, 2007

california rest in peace

This is supposed to be good.

I'm supposed to be excited for this new adventure in my life, and this new direction that my life has been taking me lately.

But all I find myself is questioning.

I am so tired of being vulnerable, and opening up again and again just to have my heart ripped open. I'm so tired of not feeling valued by certain people, or cherished, or even just wanted. I want to be wanted again. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but lately all I have been feeling is distance. I get closer to people, I get shot away. I get excited about beginning new relationships, and I get a slap in the face. The bottom drops out over, and over again.

I'm trying to trust in Christ, and to depend on His strength. It seems like every time I search for anything strong on my own I come up empty handed, and maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn. But if I was called back to this area to be more spiritually awake... I feel more asleep than anything else. I feel more numb than anything else.

I know that the grass is always greener. That I might always want what I don't have.

But all I want right now, is someone to call. Someone that loves me.
Someone that will be psyched when they see that I'm on the other end of the line. And I don't have that... and I'm learning through that. But it doesn't take away how desperately I want that from someone. And I guess at some point I have to come to terms with the fact that... he might not ever want that, and that has to be okay.

I have to be okay, for now.

God, give me strength to get through today.

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