Friday, May 8, 2009

on california, and my flimsy piece of paper

It's been two years since I left Azusa.

I spent some time today, in between homework and cups of coffee, thinking back on those days, and these days, and all the days in between. It's not that I'm unhappy now, or that I would wish to go back, because people change like the seasons and so does everything else, myself included. But I miss the sunshine and I miss my sister. I miss the palm trees and the way every day of class felt like the last one before summer break. I miss Ian's playlists and running to Donut Man in the middle of the night. I miss Long Beach and I miss Pizzamania with Brian. I miss a lot of things.

As a general rule, when I make decisions of any magnitude, I have to do it quickly. I have to put on my coat, say my goodbyes, and close the door behind me without looking back. It usually takes me quite some time before I sit and count my losses, or gains as the case may be. Tonight is one of the few nights since packing up my car and leaving behind my California world that I wonder if I made the right choice. I wonder if I chose the wrong life, or if I am just being useless in this sleepy town that I feel I can't make a difference in. I was in Azusa for a year. Everyone else was there throughout their entire college career. I was a blip on the radar, a passerby, someone to be thought of on ocassion when old pictures flash across the computer screen.

Then again, I am always a passerby, aren't I?

I wish I could decide. I wish I could decide whether or not I want to be sedentary for awhile so I can get a flimsy piece of paper to prove my worth, or whether I want to just chase what's important. Not a career path, not another trail of corporate waste and greed, but Life. Fresh Air. Love and Relationships. An open road before me and my belongings in a faded backpack, a heart ready to live nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Life is fragile anyway, right? Who's to say I will live past my twenty-somethings anyway? What if this is all I've got?

I am so ready to just lay behind everything this corporate-driven nation thinks is valuable or fashionable. I am so ready to meet the World, to sink my feet into it, to swim in it and to hear as many life stories and meet as many people as I can.

I'm just... ready. I'm ready for more.

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