Wednesday, February 23, 2011

on going, going, going.... introspective!

You have heard it before. It's time to go; I am off once again.

Each time I enter a new phase in life, I tend to look back and write about nostalgia filling my soul, and memories fresh in my heart. I tend to dwell on what I leave behind and less on the path before me. I say my goodbyes. I give my thanks. I tip my hat to those who inspired and changed me. I usually deem it necessary to write an epitaph, if you will, of the era of my life coming to a close. Seemingly yesterday I left Moscow for Seattle; already this season has reached its end. The months fly by, whether we wish them away or not. Next week, I am off to New York. Next month, I am off to Europe. Tonight, however, I am in awe of what this year has taught me, and what each year continues to unfold within me.

I've wondered what purpose memories serve, and why they have the ability to move us so deeply. Why is it that something as simple as a song or a face can bring you back to a place you hadn't thought of in months? What is it within us that reaches out for years gone by? Nostalgia upsets me at times. What right has it to make me discontent with the present? Why does it pull at the strings of my heart? Who gave it that authority? The mind boggles, really. My mind does, at least.

Upon Nostalgia's arrival every so often, I physically ache for the past. I long for people I am missing, people with whom I have disconnected or lost touch, or entire seasons of life that are no more. Some of my greatest friendships have passed. Most of the people I've met since childhood have no bearing on who I am today. Despite the wonders of modern technology and the advent of social networking, I remain suprisingly distant from the majority of those I've encountered on my journey thusfar, at least beyond the superficial layers.

This whole arrangement strikes me as odd, really. We invest ourselves in one another, whether in relationships, intimacies, or friendships, while knowing someplace in the back of our minds that parting ways is inevitable. As dark as this sounds, what purpose does it all serve then? One definition of 'stupidity' is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different outcome. Are we inherently stupid, or is there a reason beneath the obvious?

I think the answer - for me, at least - is this: My most prominent memories are often those where I showed my true character, rose high above, found success in lieu of defeat, and been the greatest possible version of myself. My greatest friends in life have answered my midnight calls, laughed with me in the beautiful times, held me when dreams shattered, and challenged me in the meantimes. Whether or not they are near now makes no difference - they mattered. I think perhaps memories and nostalgia exist not to give us sadness, or longing for what is gone. I think they are there to remind us that life consists of seasons. Some seasons will inspire us immensely; some will be uphill climbs. All are essential to shaping us.

Maybe moments and people resurface in our minds to bring us to a more full understanding of the here and now. Maybe we lose life's lessons if we take them out of context. No moment stands alone. Like dominoes falling one after another, the beginning ultimately begets the end result. Even if it's difficult to connect the dots, life makes those connections on its own.

It has been some time since I have written with the microscope facing my heart instead of politics, my travel plans, or any number of superficial things. That being the case, it took me three hours to get this blasted thought process from my brain and into black and white. Apologies for any nonsense, inconclusions, or improper grammar. I did my best, really, I did. All of this was to say - I am thankful to this season. I am thankful to last season. I am especially thankful for the season that awaits me... a one-way ticket across an ocean with plenty of lessons and inspirations on the other side.

In any case... onward!


eka121 said...

came across your blog...just thought I would let you know that I loved everything about this post. Really hit home for me. Going through a rough patch and nostalgia is definitely a major part in that :/

light said...

It's me again!:)

I readed your last entry and remeber you sad...

Maybe moments and people resurface in our minds to bring us to a more full understanding of the here and now.

And I remembered this film I saw
this year A Single man quote:

"Waking up begins with saying am and now. That which has awoken then lies for a while staring up at the ceiling and down into itself until it has recognised I, and therefrom deduced I am, I am now. Here comes next, and is at least negatively reassuring; because here, this morning, is where it had expected to find itself; what's called at home.

But now isn't simply now. Now is also a cold reminder; one whole day later than yesterday, one year later than last year. Every now is labelled with its date, rendering all past nows obsolete"

If you havent see this film you defenily should!There are so much answers of life! Love it!

And another one.

Like dominoes falling one after another, the beginning ultimately begets the end result.

"Everybody asks why I started at the end and worked back to the beginning. The reason is simple. I couldn't understand the beginning until I had reached the end. There were too many pieces of the puzzle missing, too much."

This is from film "White oleander".
Great film too.

I love good films because tehetre are so much answeres of life and emotions and Sometimes I think I,m crazy because I see things so differently that everyone else does. I feel like I can talk to you!So that is why i wrote!

And yeah, I am from Latvia an it is neighbour to Russia Moscow and half of latvian people talk in Russian language.

Wainting for your next adventures!
Lightyork :)

Dayna said...

@eka121 : sorry for the delay in response, I hope the rough patch has been smoothed over. :)

@light: you are always encouraging, it's so great to have readers like you!