Tuesday, May 1, 2007

empty apartments

The clouds are pouring in over the foothills of Azusa, and the sky is gray.

Matches my mood, if nothing else. Not black. Not sunny.I'm not sure even where to get started... describing this state my heart is in. Because it's not really a bad one, or a good one. It just is.I have this undying optimism for my future and for the things that I'm going to do in my lifetime. I am happy where I am. I love Azusa and I love the life I live here, feeling like a part of a community, and that I am giving things back. I adore California in general. I have loyal friends, and when I walk down the street, I see people I know. Some wave from behind their car windows as they go sailing by. It feels like home.

It's not that I feel like I need this at all, but it would just feel so much more comfortable and fun to have someone I could share it all with. Someone to walk with me. Someone to make me laugh. Someone to encourage me in who I am, and the things I'm going to be. But I've invested myself too many times in 'sure things'. I've lost my heart in too many battles, and it's been broken in too many ways. Some people have one or two stories of getting hurt by significant others. I have at least 8. And they aren't just breakups, they are deliberate, hurtful things.

So it's only natural, I suppose, that now when I feel like I'm 'home' around someone, for the first time in a long time, I feel more afraid than anything else. I feel very cliche. I open up a little, and I hold my breath. I constantly act silly, and I poke fun, not because those aren't parts of who I am, but so I can hide who the rest of me is for just a bit longer. Because that part is scary. It is raw and it is real. And to be honest, I'm not sure he's all that interested anyway. He's not. So what does it matter.I just wish I wasn't afraid. That's really the point.

Not just about relationships, or my lack of relationships, but about anything. I do have dreams, and I appear so confident about them sometimes. Like I know where I'm going. But the part that freaks me out is that I have no idea how I will get there. I'm afraid to put myself out there. I'm afraid of not investing myself more into the world. I'm afraid I'm not giving back enough.

I'm afraid and tired of being alone, but I'm not so naive as to think that being with someone would make me feel complete (don't worry, I know the whole 'if you aren't happy without them you won't be happy with them,' blah blah, save yourself the time, I don't want that lecture).I don't even know what I'm getting at. And I will be living in an empty apartment for two weeks.

The end.

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