Tuesday, June 12, 2007

words are cheap and come easy

There are a lot of days in my life that don't make sense, and others where suddenly everything that has been going wrong just makes sense. It isn't resolved, and you aren't necessarily any closer to fixing it. But you recognize the problem. And you recognize that the problem is in you, and is, in fact, You, and just having that clarity brings you hope.

I'm really great with words. No false humility here, but writing is a strength that I recognize, and I have it. The problem with that is sometimes I miss being genuine. Sometimes words come out with no meaning, or I say them because they come into my mind and flow in a beautiful way, so I feel like I should say it so I don't waste a perfectly-made sentence.

I sat down for dinner with my mom today and for over an hour she sat and told me that I was selfish, and that I needed to start seeing the patterns in my life that are turning me into a frighteningly accurate portrait of the person my Dad used to be. When I protested, she proceeded to give examples and actions that I show that prove that this is, in fact, true.

I am selfish. I prioritize based on what I feel like doing at the moment. I tend to use other people to fill voids instead of going out of my way to make sure their needs are met. I do good deeds because it makes me feel good inside, not just because they are the right things to do. Without meaning to, and without any consciousness of my doing this, I push people away. I make them feel like their opinions don't matter. I make excuses. I run. And that's just the surface.

I want so badly to be different. To not be known as the girl who makes excuses to ditch out on her friends and family. I'm not sure how I will get there, or if it will even be evident anytime soon that I am trying to change. But to those of you who have felt it I'm sorry. And I more than anyone else know that words are cheap and come easy.... so I'm letting you know that the action will follow and will be evident.

This is my life am I who I want to be?

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