Dec. 16, 2005
I'm home now. It's weird. And I don't know what to think. Everything here at home has stayed the same, yet I feel like I'm a completely different person... and whether I've had the chance to prove that in my actions or not yet... I'm sure it will be discovered eventually.
But that doesn't seem right.
Because sometimes tonight when jokes would be made, they weren't funny to me like they used to be. It's like my sense of humor changed too. I'm just different now. And that in itself is not a bad thing, but all of a sudden I find it hard to fit in where I've always belonged before.
I know that in a few days, it will all be routine again. I will get phone calls, and go shopping, and go to work again, and things will resume the way they left off three months ago... but part of me doesn't want it that way. Part of me wants to be in a different state every day again, and to see the world, and to stand on top of mountains in Switzerland, and to swim in the Med Sea in Spain, and to spend hours in Heathrow Airport in London again... yeah... a big part of me just wants to stay different. To stay a wanderer; a performer; a seeker.
Unrealistic as it may seem, a person can completely change in three months. I don't want to compromise the change that has been made for anything - to make others comfortable, or to help people remember the 'Dayna' that was Dayna before. I want to be real. And as negative as this entry may sound, it's really a good thing that I'm back again. I get a second chance. To start over. To re-begin. To wipe the slate of the past clean.
My biggest fear is progressing backwards... unlearning everything I've learned to melt back into the person I was before I left. Change in reverse is not a good thing. If anything, my resolutions for this coming year, are to branch out... to not limit myself to living in a certain place, or listening to one certain type of music, or hanging out with the exact same people every single day...
I want to be stretched. And moved. And reshaped. Turned into something beautiful.
'Ships are safe at port, but that's not what ships are for.' -Levi Smith
Sunday, December 9, 2007
the last chapter of tour
Nov. 30, 2005
Sunday night.
The source of so many fears and beginnings and endings and unknowns.
Our last concert. Our last night together. We will sing 'Let the Glory Come Down' for the last time, and the lights will dim, and fade away, and we will laugh, and cry, and stay up all night wishing we had another three months to relive this adventure that is somehow ending so soon.
I am excited to go home. But so much ends on Sunday night. So much of me will be missing after that day.
Because these other 22 people have been my life for three whole months... they have been the ones I eat with, sleep with, cry with, pray with, and live with for what seems like forever. Like we were meant to be family since Day 1 back in LA at rehearsal camp in September.
Together we have changed lives. We have traveled the world... from the streets of Philly to the packed out concerts in Spain; from LA to New York, from Seattle to Switzerland. Sharing every memory, every moment, and sometimes even our sack lunches... we have just always been together. As tour comes to a close, I'm hoping we can hold on.
Every night for 16 weeks, we have run up onstage, and performed. Some nights were filled with enthusiasm, and inspiration, and fun, and others were trying, and challenging, and beyond what we thought ourselves capable of. Sometimes we would perform encores... sometimes there would be 6 people in our audience. But we pulled through, and overcame challenges, and became better and stronger people because of it.
I've decided that I will miss tour infinitely more than I thought I would initially.
To know that only four days remain of this life changing adventure is a haunting thing. Trying to remember everything - every memory, every picture, every inside joke. I can look back and see things that I would change if I could... my attitude sometimes, my wishing time away, and my wanting to have alone time so badly, and things like that... but I look back and also see how I have changed. How I am not just existing... but truly living. How I am no longer as concerned with how my friends treat me... but with how I can treat them first. How my worth isn't found in the logos on my shirts, or how stylish or tan I am (even though I miss it very much)... but in the content of my character.
Tour has changed me. Has changed all of us. Even if it's in subtle ways, we are all different.
Finally, we are all united. One love. One Body. One mission. And nothing else could matter more.
Sunday night.
The source of so many fears and beginnings and endings and unknowns.
Our last concert. Our last night together. We will sing 'Let the Glory Come Down' for the last time, and the lights will dim, and fade away, and we will laugh, and cry, and stay up all night wishing we had another three months to relive this adventure that is somehow ending so soon.
I am excited to go home. But so much ends on Sunday night. So much of me will be missing after that day.
Because these other 22 people have been my life for three whole months... they have been the ones I eat with, sleep with, cry with, pray with, and live with for what seems like forever. Like we were meant to be family since Day 1 back in LA at rehearsal camp in September.
Together we have changed lives. We have traveled the world... from the streets of Philly to the packed out concerts in Spain; from LA to New York, from Seattle to Switzerland. Sharing every memory, every moment, and sometimes even our sack lunches... we have just always been together. As tour comes to a close, I'm hoping we can hold on.
Every night for 16 weeks, we have run up onstage, and performed. Some nights were filled with enthusiasm, and inspiration, and fun, and others were trying, and challenging, and beyond what we thought ourselves capable of. Sometimes we would perform encores... sometimes there would be 6 people in our audience. But we pulled through, and overcame challenges, and became better and stronger people because of it.
I've decided that I will miss tour infinitely more than I thought I would initially.
To know that only four days remain of this life changing adventure is a haunting thing. Trying to remember everything - every memory, every picture, every inside joke. I can look back and see things that I would change if I could... my attitude sometimes, my wishing time away, and my wanting to have alone time so badly, and things like that... but I look back and also see how I have changed. How I am not just existing... but truly living. How I am no longer as concerned with how my friends treat me... but with how I can treat them first. How my worth isn't found in the logos on my shirts, or how stylish or tan I am (even though I miss it very much)... but in the content of my character.
Tour has changed me. Has changed all of us. Even if it's in subtle ways, we are all different.
Finally, we are all united. One love. One Body. One mission. And nothing else could matter more.
Monday, October 29, 2007
waiting to fall to droplets
Wow.
Sometimes there just aren't the right words to describe where you're at, or what you feel like you need, or what you know you've lost. Life is such a strange and funny thing, andjust when you think you understand it, or yourself, life throws you a curve... a sharp pain in the heart, a stab in the back, a crappy job or a mediocre life. I always thought I was meant for more than mediocrity.
Most of it, honestly, stems from loneliness. Stems from me discovering (sometimes too slowly) that maybe I am a difficult person to love. Not in a superficial sense, because my life is full of surface-love, of great but quick conversations and people you meet once and never see again. My life is full of people complimenting me on my openness, my personality, and all of those things that are supposed to be really important. But when it comes to the really importantstuff, I am a letdown. I fall short. I don't return calls. I have a hard time following through with things because of my spontaneous nature.
Today, I saw a picture of someone I recently loved. Of someone I felt like I was real with, and that really understood me, in all of my indecisions and all of my weakness and failures. Someone that wouldn't let me play the victim. Someone that graced my doorstep with roses and kind words to let me know how beautiful I am. I know this sounds insane, but sometimes, it hurts my heart to know they could be happy without me. That they could know me completely, all my struggles and all of the layers of my heart, and still be content to live without that. That they could move on quickly and not look back. And in the long run, I will look back and realize that they weren't worth it, or that we weren't meant to happen, despite our chemistry and our conversations until 2 am. That maybe he didn't fight hard enough for me when it got rough, or even when things were easy.
Maybe those things will register. Maybe not. But the more I reach into myself and the more I explore this weird thing that is my soul... I realize that maybe the problem isn't in them. Maybe it's not. And it forces me to look in the mirror and realize that maybe it's in me. That I can't play the victim when I am equally, if not more, to blame.
I spent one night this week alone in my room, a glass of wine and candles lit, trying to be content in solitude. But by the time a half hour had rolled around, I was in tears, dialing numbers and getting voicemails, clinging to the hope that maybe they were thinking of me too.
And I suppose that since then, I have my answer. In myspace pictures, in unresolved messages, in sleepless nights and in broken tears.
If I am in this place to learn to be alone, I am doing well. If I am travelling this confusing road to learn peace and contentedness in solitude, then I'm well on my way.
Just getting there is the hard part.
Sometimes there just aren't the right words to describe where you're at, or what you feel like you need, or what you know you've lost. Life is such a strange and funny thing, andjust when you think you understand it, or yourself, life throws you a curve... a sharp pain in the heart, a stab in the back, a crappy job or a mediocre life. I always thought I was meant for more than mediocrity.
Most of it, honestly, stems from loneliness. Stems from me discovering (sometimes too slowly) that maybe I am a difficult person to love. Not in a superficial sense, because my life is full of surface-love, of great but quick conversations and people you meet once and never see again. My life is full of people complimenting me on my openness, my personality, and all of those things that are supposed to be really important. But when it comes to the really importantstuff, I am a letdown. I fall short. I don't return calls. I have a hard time following through with things because of my spontaneous nature.
Today, I saw a picture of someone I recently loved. Of someone I felt like I was real with, and that really understood me, in all of my indecisions and all of my weakness and failures. Someone that wouldn't let me play the victim. Someone that graced my doorstep with roses and kind words to let me know how beautiful I am. I know this sounds insane, but sometimes, it hurts my heart to know they could be happy without me. That they could know me completely, all my struggles and all of the layers of my heart, and still be content to live without that. That they could move on quickly and not look back. And in the long run, I will look back and realize that they weren't worth it, or that we weren't meant to happen, despite our chemistry and our conversations until 2 am. That maybe he didn't fight hard enough for me when it got rough, or even when things were easy.
Maybe those things will register. Maybe not. But the more I reach into myself and the more I explore this weird thing that is my soul... I realize that maybe the problem isn't in them. Maybe it's not. And it forces me to look in the mirror and realize that maybe it's in me. That I can't play the victim when I am equally, if not more, to blame.
I spent one night this week alone in my room, a glass of wine and candles lit, trying to be content in solitude. But by the time a half hour had rolled around, I was in tears, dialing numbers and getting voicemails, clinging to the hope that maybe they were thinking of me too.
And I suppose that since then, I have my answer. In myspace pictures, in unresolved messages, in sleepless nights and in broken tears.
If I am in this place to learn to be alone, I am doing well. If I am travelling this confusing road to learn peace and contentedness in solitude, then I'm well on my way.
Just getting there is the hard part.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
on more than a year ago and a long-lost journal
Just found this today. Only several pages filled out. So moving to look back on where I've been.
Oct. 27, 2007
Here I am.
For awhile at least.
I sit anxiously at the opening scenes of my life,
waiting to see how it will all pan out.
For good?
I hope for good.
For what is right?
I hope I do what’s right.
In the end, when the sun sets on my story,
I want to know that I helped.
That when someone needed me
I was there.
That when I had a chance to give
I gave all I had.
I want to live with passion, conviction,
with a heart for the broken.
Will I make it?
Can I break past the hurt in my chest,
and the relationships and lovers
that have crashed and burned?
Will I move past my loneliness
to recognize the beauty that is within me?
Sometimes I wonder.
I can be so full of apathy,
so full of my own wants.
A world is dying and I cry over the latest trends
or the life I want to lead.
A world is dying and my hands sit idle.
My heart is resting uncomfortably in my chest,
beating for what will come.
Will I be the one to travel the world
to taste its many flavors
and to give back to it all of the gifts
that I have to offer?
Or will I be the one to stay in place,
to fight for where I’m at?
I just want to do the best I can with
where I’m at
and with what I’ve been given.
Oct. 28, 2007
Why is it so hard to move on?
To realize that what was had
- was wonderful –
but now it’s over.
Why does it hurt my heart to see
pictures of him with someone new,
knowing that he is unfaithful,
unmanageable,
and sometimes unkind?
As I sit here alone, candles burning,
tears fresh on my face
I feel like I won’t ever understand.
Oct. 29, 2007
Here’s to you.
You ignorant one
who seduced me once again –
you just had to, didn’t you?
You couldn’t just let me be.
I wonder why
you have the need to entertain feelings
with so many different women
-and so many of them stupid –
in their blatant ignorance
and superficial conversation.
You couldn’t just have let me go when I wanted you to
back in May?
No.
You had to fight to have my love back
so you could end it on your own terms,
hurting me so much more than I ever damaged you.
To that, and to you, I say goodbye.
And good riddance.
Nov. 3, 2007
A far cry from my last words,
today I am just ‘being.’
Immersing myself in books and conversation.
I have needed this today,
this time of reflection,
relaxation.
Of candles burning and soft music.
Of open books, in English and Spanish
and in the language of my heart.
Of memories and moments
spinning through my head
in that way that only the greatest memories could.
Moments, in all their sweetness,
-those split-seconds -
that help define who you are.
I am blessed enough to be able to say
That my life is something
beautiful.
that those things that define me
are wonderful.
Sometimes I feel like
Such a stranger in my own skin.
In this phase of my life
I am trying to learn to ‘be.’
To remain content in solitude.
To reach within myself
for a soul I have been
disconnected from.
What I am finding
is not what I expected
and not as easy to uncover
as I once thought it would be.
Some of the parts of myself
I am finding are good.
Bur for the most part?
I am disappointed
to know how selfish I can be
and how fleeting memories are.
To know how dependent I can be
on the opinions and presence of others.
Lately I have been bitter,
Off and on,
Reflecting on the ways
I have been hurt.
It is hard to know that
a person who knows you
-completely-
in all your flaws and imperfection
could turn away.
And how quickly.
Today I let myself sit
and soak in the good memories.
‘Walk Away’ by Ben Harper
flooded my ears,
…and I felt taken back.
Back to that rainy day in California,
me cleaning in my sweatpants,
candles lit and that
song playing.
That day when you came over
with roses and cough medicine
and a bottle of wine.
Even though we did our own thing
-me with my homework
-you with your Mac laptop
with the rain pouring down,
…it was such a deliciously beautiful moment.
It was comfortable.
I miss that.
I wouldn’t go as far to say that I miss you,
but I miss the moments.
I miss dancing in parking lots
and on the tops of rooftops, and on the ends of the pier.
I miss you surprising me at work,
and the way we were content to fall asleep on my floor.
All of that is over,
And I’m coming to realize
That I’m okay with that.
That maybe I need to rest more
in the goodness of memories
instead of the way
those memories came to a close.
That maybe it’s more important
to dwell on what was beautiful
instead of what was broken.
That I can look back on my days in California,
missing the way the sun hit my face,
and still look forward.
Nov. 30, 2007
My life in lyrics? In a poem?
the idea sounds so easy, but on paper
and in my mind
it is something entirely different.
How could I spell out
my feelings... my emotion?
It’s not as easy as I would like.
I feel conflicted.
I hesitate to fall in love
or to fall into anything,
but somehow drama finds me anyway.
I find beauty in so many places
-the smallest places –
yet I struggle to find it
in the mirror.
I write a simple song, a melody,
but somehow it seems to me
a far cry from what’s inside.
I feel trapped.
Torn between my man faces
and my hundred different lives
California, Duvall, the Old Moscow, the New Moscow,
Colfax, my Mexican life, Europe.
I loved them all,
but most of all I ache for California.
For the way the sun would
hit the palm trees
before sinking past the L.A. skyline.
But my family is here.
My history is here.
My story began here,
but should it continue here?
So much of me just wants to
see and change the world
to do something with the gifts I was given.
Can I do that here?
Is the Palouse just an incubator
to hone my talent or grow in spirit?
I wish I knew.
Oct. 27, 2007
Here I am.
For awhile at least.
I sit anxiously at the opening scenes of my life,
waiting to see how it will all pan out.
For good?
I hope for good.
For what is right?
I hope I do what’s right.
In the end, when the sun sets on my story,
I want to know that I helped.
That when someone needed me
I was there.
That when I had a chance to give
I gave all I had.
I want to live with passion, conviction,
with a heart for the broken.
Will I make it?
Can I break past the hurt in my chest,
and the relationships and lovers
that have crashed and burned?
Will I move past my loneliness
to recognize the beauty that is within me?
Sometimes I wonder.
I can be so full of apathy,
so full of my own wants.
A world is dying and I cry over the latest trends
or the life I want to lead.
A world is dying and my hands sit idle.
My heart is resting uncomfortably in my chest,
beating for what will come.
Will I be the one to travel the world
to taste its many flavors
and to give back to it all of the gifts
that I have to offer?
Or will I be the one to stay in place,
to fight for where I’m at?
I just want to do the best I can with
where I’m at
and with what I’ve been given.
Oct. 28, 2007
Why is it so hard to move on?
To realize that what was had
- was wonderful –
but now it’s over.
Why does it hurt my heart to see
pictures of him with someone new,
knowing that he is unfaithful,
unmanageable,
and sometimes unkind?
As I sit here alone, candles burning,
tears fresh on my face
I feel like I won’t ever understand.
Oct. 29, 2007
Here’s to you.
You ignorant one
who seduced me once again –
you just had to, didn’t you?
You couldn’t just let me be.
I wonder why
you have the need to entertain feelings
with so many different women
-and so many of them stupid –
in their blatant ignorance
and superficial conversation.
You couldn’t just have let me go when I wanted you to
back in May?
No.
You had to fight to have my love back
so you could end it on your own terms,
hurting me so much more than I ever damaged you.
To that, and to you, I say goodbye.
And good riddance.
Nov. 3, 2007
A far cry from my last words,
today I am just ‘being.’
Immersing myself in books and conversation.
I have needed this today,
this time of reflection,
relaxation.
Of candles burning and soft music.
Of open books, in English and Spanish
and in the language of my heart.
Of memories and moments
spinning through my head
in that way that only the greatest memories could.
Moments, in all their sweetness,
-those split-seconds -
that help define who you are.
I am blessed enough to be able to say
That my life is something
beautiful.
that those things that define me
are wonderful.
Sometimes I feel like
Such a stranger in my own skin.
In this phase of my life
I am trying to learn to ‘be.’
To remain content in solitude.
To reach within myself
for a soul I have been
disconnected from.
What I am finding
is not what I expected
and not as easy to uncover
as I once thought it would be.
Some of the parts of myself
I am finding are good.
Bur for the most part?
I am disappointed
to know how selfish I can be
and how fleeting memories are.
To know how dependent I can be
on the opinions and presence of others.
Lately I have been bitter,
Off and on,
Reflecting on the ways
I have been hurt.
It is hard to know that
a person who knows you
-completely-
in all your flaws and imperfection
could turn away.
And how quickly.
Today I let myself sit
and soak in the good memories.
‘Walk Away’ by Ben Harper
flooded my ears,
…and I felt taken back.
Back to that rainy day in California,
me cleaning in my sweatpants,
candles lit and that
song playing.
That day when you came over
with roses and cough medicine
and a bottle of wine.
Even though we did our own thing
-me with my homework
-you with your Mac laptop
with the rain pouring down,
…it was such a deliciously beautiful moment.
It was comfortable.
I miss that.
I wouldn’t go as far to say that I miss you,
but I miss the moments.
I miss dancing in parking lots
and on the tops of rooftops, and on the ends of the pier.
I miss you surprising me at work,
and the way we were content to fall asleep on my floor.
All of that is over,
And I’m coming to realize
That I’m okay with that.
That maybe I need to rest more
in the goodness of memories
instead of the way
those memories came to a close.
That maybe it’s more important
to dwell on what was beautiful
instead of what was broken.
That I can look back on my days in California,
missing the way the sun hit my face,
and still look forward.
Nov. 30, 2007
My life in lyrics? In a poem?
the idea sounds so easy, but on paper
and in my mind
it is something entirely different.
How could I spell out
my feelings... my emotion?
It’s not as easy as I would like.
I feel conflicted.
I hesitate to fall in love
or to fall into anything,
but somehow drama finds me anyway.
I find beauty in so many places
-the smallest places –
yet I struggle to find it
in the mirror.
I write a simple song, a melody,
but somehow it seems to me
a far cry from what’s inside.
I feel trapped.
Torn between my man faces
and my hundred different lives
California, Duvall, the Old Moscow, the New Moscow,
Colfax, my Mexican life, Europe.
I loved them all,
but most of all I ache for California.
For the way the sun would
hit the palm trees
before sinking past the L.A. skyline.
But my family is here.
My history is here.
My story began here,
but should it continue here?
So much of me just wants to
see and change the world
to do something with the gifts I was given.
Can I do that here?
Is the Palouse just an incubator
to hone my talent or grow in spirit?
I wish I knew.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
california rest in peace
This is supposed to be good.
I'm supposed to be excited for this new adventure in my life, and this new direction that my life has been taking me lately.
But all I find myself is questioning.
I am so tired of being vulnerable, and opening up again and again just to have my heart ripped open. I'm so tired of not feeling valued by certain people, or cherished, or even just wanted. I want to be wanted again. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but lately all I have been feeling is distance. I get closer to people, I get shot away. I get excited about beginning new relationships, and I get a slap in the face. The bottom drops out over, and over again.
I'm trying to trust in Christ, and to depend on His strength. It seems like every time I search for anything strong on my own I come up empty handed, and maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn. But if I was called back to this area to be more spiritually awake... I feel more asleep than anything else. I feel more numb than anything else.
I know that the grass is always greener. That I might always want what I don't have.
But all I want right now, is someone to call. Someone that loves me.
Someone that will be psyched when they see that I'm on the other end of the line. And I don't have that... and I'm learning through that. But it doesn't take away how desperately I want that from someone. And I guess at some point I have to come to terms with the fact that... he might not ever want that, and that has to be okay.
I have to be okay, for now.
God, give me strength to get through today.
I'm supposed to be excited for this new adventure in my life, and this new direction that my life has been taking me lately.
But all I find myself is questioning.
I am so tired of being vulnerable, and opening up again and again just to have my heart ripped open. I'm so tired of not feeling valued by certain people, or cherished, or even just wanted. I want to be wanted again. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but lately all I have been feeling is distance. I get closer to people, I get shot away. I get excited about beginning new relationships, and I get a slap in the face. The bottom drops out over, and over again.
I'm trying to trust in Christ, and to depend on His strength. It seems like every time I search for anything strong on my own I come up empty handed, and maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn. But if I was called back to this area to be more spiritually awake... I feel more asleep than anything else. I feel more numb than anything else.
I know that the grass is always greener. That I might always want what I don't have.
But all I want right now, is someone to call. Someone that loves me.
Someone that will be psyched when they see that I'm on the other end of the line. And I don't have that... and I'm learning through that. But it doesn't take away how desperately I want that from someone. And I guess at some point I have to come to terms with the fact that... he might not ever want that, and that has to be okay.
I have to be okay, for now.
God, give me strength to get through today.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
closing the door behind me
I’m not coming back.
I’m not entirely sure how to begin, but my heart has so much to say.Everything in my life is about to change. Change is exciting for me, at least this time. Yes, a lot of my comfort zone will be eliminated the minute I hop in my car to drive back to the place I wasn’t sure I would ever live again – the Palouse country. No, I don’t have a job yet. Nope, I have yet to make final decisions on where I will live. I have no idea if this year will be a valley or a mountaintop, but regardless, it will be exciting because I won’t be going it alone.
I was really upset at first when I felt like I was being called to go back to Moscow. Uncomfortable more than upset. Not because I dislike it there, but because I thought my plans were set in stone. While I’m a spontaneous person, I enjoy plans going my way. I was excited to go back to Azusa, and enjoy my programmed but very enjoyable life, walking down Barranca with the wind in my face and the California sun in my hair. Friends a parking lot away. Job security.
I’m starting to realize that this is the part of my spiritual walk that is the most difficult for me – faith. Unwavering, illogical faith that defies the conventions that the world tells me I need in order to function. John asked us in church last week “How big is your God?” Is He bigger than my plans? My obligations? Is His plan for me bigger than the plan I have for myself?
‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.’ (Proverbs 3:5)
As I’m trying to find my way to a relationship with God that means something to me and that is real to me, as opposed to a faith with no heartfelt experience and a hand-me-down religion I inherit from parents or family… I’m realizing that I have so far to go. A lot of times I feel like I have it figured out (mostly), and that I have the answers… that I’m ready to take on the mission field and the world along with it.
I can be very wrong.
I have so many roads and paths in my life that I’m excited to pursue, and I know will get to at least some of them in my life. But one of my biggest shortcomings is my lack of satisfaction in the present. In today. In the place that God has put me here and now.
‘I can’t wait anymore, I’m ready to reach… so I’m closing the door behind me.’ –Bethany Dillon
I’m not entirely sure how to begin, but my heart has so much to say.Everything in my life is about to change. Change is exciting for me, at least this time. Yes, a lot of my comfort zone will be eliminated the minute I hop in my car to drive back to the place I wasn’t sure I would ever live again – the Palouse country. No, I don’t have a job yet. Nope, I have yet to make final decisions on where I will live. I have no idea if this year will be a valley or a mountaintop, but regardless, it will be exciting because I won’t be going it alone.
I was really upset at first when I felt like I was being called to go back to Moscow. Uncomfortable more than upset. Not because I dislike it there, but because I thought my plans were set in stone. While I’m a spontaneous person, I enjoy plans going my way. I was excited to go back to Azusa, and enjoy my programmed but very enjoyable life, walking down Barranca with the wind in my face and the California sun in my hair. Friends a parking lot away. Job security.
I’m starting to realize that this is the part of my spiritual walk that is the most difficult for me – faith. Unwavering, illogical faith that defies the conventions that the world tells me I need in order to function. John asked us in church last week “How big is your God?” Is He bigger than my plans? My obligations? Is His plan for me bigger than the plan I have for myself?
‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.’ (Proverbs 3:5)
As I’m trying to find my way to a relationship with God that means something to me and that is real to me, as opposed to a faith with no heartfelt experience and a hand-me-down religion I inherit from parents or family… I’m realizing that I have so far to go. A lot of times I feel like I have it figured out (mostly), and that I have the answers… that I’m ready to take on the mission field and the world along with it.
I can be very wrong.
I have so many roads and paths in my life that I’m excited to pursue, and I know will get to at least some of them in my life. But one of my biggest shortcomings is my lack of satisfaction in the present. In today. In the place that God has put me here and now.
‘I can’t wait anymore, I’m ready to reach… so I’m closing the door behind me.’ –Bethany Dillon
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
words are cheap and come easy
There are a lot of days in my life that don't make sense, and others where suddenly everything that has been going wrong just makes sense. It isn't resolved, and you aren't necessarily any closer to fixing it. But you recognize the problem. And you recognize that the problem is in you, and is, in fact, You, and just having that clarity brings you hope.
I'm really great with words. No false humility here, but writing is a strength that I recognize, and I have it. The problem with that is sometimes I miss being genuine. Sometimes words come out with no meaning, or I say them because they come into my mind and flow in a beautiful way, so I feel like I should say it so I don't waste a perfectly-made sentence.
I sat down for dinner with my mom today and for over an hour she sat and told me that I was selfish, and that I needed to start seeing the patterns in my life that are turning me into a frighteningly accurate portrait of the person my Dad used to be. When I protested, she proceeded to give examples and actions that I show that prove that this is, in fact, true.
I am selfish. I prioritize based on what I feel like doing at the moment. I tend to use other people to fill voids instead of going out of my way to make sure their needs are met. I do good deeds because it makes me feel good inside, not just because they are the right things to do. Without meaning to, and without any consciousness of my doing this, I push people away. I make them feel like their opinions don't matter. I make excuses. I run. And that's just the surface.
I want so badly to be different. To not be known as the girl who makes excuses to ditch out on her friends and family. I'm not sure how I will get there, or if it will even be evident anytime soon that I am trying to change. But to those of you who have felt it I'm sorry. And I more than anyone else know that words are cheap and come easy.... so I'm letting you know that the action will follow and will be evident.
This is my life am I who I want to be?
I'm really great with words. No false humility here, but writing is a strength that I recognize, and I have it. The problem with that is sometimes I miss being genuine. Sometimes words come out with no meaning, or I say them because they come into my mind and flow in a beautiful way, so I feel like I should say it so I don't waste a perfectly-made sentence.
I sat down for dinner with my mom today and for over an hour she sat and told me that I was selfish, and that I needed to start seeing the patterns in my life that are turning me into a frighteningly accurate portrait of the person my Dad used to be. When I protested, she proceeded to give examples and actions that I show that prove that this is, in fact, true.
I am selfish. I prioritize based on what I feel like doing at the moment. I tend to use other people to fill voids instead of going out of my way to make sure their needs are met. I do good deeds because it makes me feel good inside, not just because they are the right things to do. Without meaning to, and without any consciousness of my doing this, I push people away. I make them feel like their opinions don't matter. I make excuses. I run. And that's just the surface.
I want so badly to be different. To not be known as the girl who makes excuses to ditch out on her friends and family. I'm not sure how I will get there, or if it will even be evident anytime soon that I am trying to change. But to those of you who have felt it I'm sorry. And I more than anyone else know that words are cheap and come easy.... so I'm letting you know that the action will follow and will be evident.
This is my life am I who I want to be?
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