ships are safe at port

Dec. 16, 2005

I'm home now. It's weird. And I don't know what to think. Everything here at home has stayed the same, yet I feel like I'm a completely different person... and whether I've had the chance to prove that in my actions or not yet... I'm sure it will be discovered eventually.

But that doesn't seem right.

Because sometimes tonight when jokes would be made, they weren't funny to me like they used to be. It's like my sense of humor changed too. I'm just different now. And that in itself is not a bad thing, but all of a sudden I find it hard to fit in where I've always belonged before.

I know that in a few days, it will all be routine again. I will get phone calls, and go shopping, and go to work again, and things will resume the way they left off three months ago... but part of me doesn't want it that way. Part of me wants to be in a different state every day again, and to see the world, and to stand on top of mountains in Switzerland, and to swim in the Med Sea in Spain, and to spend hours in Heathrow Airport in London again... yeah... a big part of me just wants to stay different. To stay a wanderer; a performer; a seeker.

Unrealistic as it may seem, a person can completely change in three months. I don't want to compromise the change that has been made for anything - to make others comfortable, or to help people remember the 'Dayna' that was Dayna before. I want to be real. And as negative as this entry may sound, it's really a good thing that I'm back again. I get a second chance. To start over. To re-begin. To wipe the slate of the past clean.

My biggest fear is progressing backwards... unlearning everything I've learned to melt back into the person I was before I left. Change in reverse is not a good thing. If anything, my resolutions for this coming year, are to branch out... to not limit myself to living in a certain place, or listening to one certain type of music, or hanging out with the exact same people every single day...

I want to be stretched. And moved. And reshaped. Turned into something beautiful.

'Ships are safe at port, but that's not what ships are for.' -Levi Smith