Sometimes there is so much to say, but so little that can actually be said. I have felt that way a lot lately. Struggling to stay open when this world is screaming at me that being open is dangerous. Risky. Foolish, even. That spilling my heart out on my sleeve is overrated. That 'open-ness' belongs in fairy tales and PG-13 romantic comedies.
Lately I have been less than the person I want to be. I'm sure that most people come to that point in their life and spirituality, where no matter how hard you fight to stay sane, insanity comes crashing down on you regardless. Self-inflicted sometimes; more difficult. It doesn't seem to make a difference whether you have been following all the rules of right and wrong, turning left when you get green arrows and skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk. Outwardly you can look like you have it all together, that you live life as it should be. And maybe you do.
But what I'm finding more and more lately is that I don't think there will come a day when you wake up and say "I made it. I am who I always wanted to be, and all of my finish lines are now behind me." I think life is beautiful because you can wake up every morning and start over with everything new. You can open your eyes as if for the first time and see it. New weather. New mercies. New blessings. Sunshine on my window pane and a couple of dollars in my wallet.
Jeanine (the friend I live with) has been teaching me a lot lately. She has become a mentor of sorts, one who has more wisdom than I do and one that has lived a life for others. When I stepped in the door tonight, she couldn't wait to give me two things she bought for me today at the Co-Op.
"Look, Dayna, check this out!"
She smiled and handed me a bag of cashews. I was momentarily confused.
My eyes slipped over the packaging until I saw the name. 'Sing Buri' Cashews. I smiled and her eyes caught mine. I might be cheesy, but I felt like that was meant for me today. Sing, Buri. Sing Buri! Not just literally, but resonating in who you are. Life is a song to sing. If you aren't who you want to be, and if you wake up wondering where you're going, the fight doesn't have to be over.
Jeanine handed me my second gift. A magnet with a quote on it. "I just felt like this was totally you," she said.
'Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, and taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.'
If I am learning anything through the difficulty that is this year, I think it can't be said better than that.
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