Sunday, December 9, 2007

on the unsatisfaction of an empty life

Sept. 1, 2006

Does life ever just creep you out?

For no apparent reason? The fact that time is around us and passing us by just hits you, and you realize that life is short. Life is valuable. And we waste it. Or don't recognize it.

I was browsing through the madness that is myspace tonight. And it is madness. I know so many people that it's insane, but it's always fun to skim the pages of my friends and see how people are doing when I get the time. It's weird to catch up with people via myspace because you have no idea where they're at or what they've been through since the last time you heard from them. All you have to go by are these pictures, or their words, or the people in their Top 8 (or top whatever). And whatever ties you may have had with this person, whether it be work, school, friends... those might be gone now.

You realize that change happens. People change. People change what they value and who they want to be. And that in itself changes who they are.

For some reason, life never seems as simple to me as it does to most people. I dig for complexity. Hidden meanings. Lost relationships. I struggle with finding a spirituality that fits me... it's Christianity. Yet the way the 'church' runs things sometimes is just so foreign to me. I try to make friends on all ends of the spectrum, in all walks of life, and try to discover their secrets. What do they find happiness in? Why do they struggle? Who do they value? What are their dreams? Why do we all unravel at some point?

I'm happy, but I'm discontent.

I was singing a song I wrote awhile ago called 'Song for the Unsatisfied.'

And I think I will always be unsatisfied. I think that humans were designed to always feel like there was a little something missing... some part of them that is incomplete. So that in the places that we lack, we can realize that outside of this life there is Greater, and there is More. I am unsatisfied when I can't be there for someone. I am unsatisfied when I feel like I'm not reaching my potential. I even get unsatisfied if I see that 47 people look at my blog in a day and not one person has anything to say. Isn't that silly?
We live lives based on the responses of others. We live for their encouragement, and we run from their critiques. We strive for social perfection and shy away from inner beauty.

What a funny thing, this life.

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